like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
