Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize