i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
