dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
