I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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