apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
