If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
