I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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