Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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