I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
