pop tarts are not kleenex
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
