Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
