Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
