when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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