This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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