Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
