I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
