so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You made out with two different species that night
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
