my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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