when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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