She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
