Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My pussy is not your playground.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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