I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
