Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
