I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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