The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she pinky promised me she was 18
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
