Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
this will be a night to untag.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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