tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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