I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
