my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
