Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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