this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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