Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
