We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
