the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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