Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
