im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
