you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
