He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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