im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
