he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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