put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
