you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
