I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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