Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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