i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
