I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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