Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Who died my cat blue again?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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