no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
