If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
