Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
