Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
